My Death

When I die, I’d want it to be on a convenient day. Preferably in the afternoon; mid-afternoon would be golden.

I’d hate to die on a weekday and have people leave office in the middle of the day on the account my death. I hate when that happens. Leaves are precious and not to be wasted on frivolous matters like people dying.

Also, dying mid-afternoon would be good because that would make it convenient for those traveling from far away, helping them avoid the mid-night commute and the red-eye. I would hate to have a bunch of people with bags under their eyes at my funeral. I want clear headed goodbyes, not groggy-eyed, semi-attentive adieus.

While I do understand, dying on a weekend would probably mar the plans that everyone starts making the moment a Monday arrives. To make the trade-off least cumbersome, I would like to die on a Sunday afternoon, so as to make sure that the majority of your (and my) merries have already been made.

I’d also appreciate it not being anyone’s birthday or wedding anniversary, a festival or any other ‘supposed’ celebratory occasion, so as to not spread gloom and dampen the general spirit. I’d also like to not have the thunder of my death stolen by some random occasion.

In my opinion, a mid-Feb weekend should probably work the best. People don’t plan any holidays in Feb, neither is it a great time for the movies, it doesn’t have any festivals, no long weekends either (so as not to upset anyone’s get-away plans) and it’s reasonably far off from the summer holiday season. Therefore by the time holidays come around, my death should have condensed into a distant memory of a weekend ruined, and people can proceed with their travels and other plans with minimal or no guilt.

Now that the time of my death has been reasonably optimized, I’d also like to figure out a place.

I would really want to die in a convenient place. I’d hate to die at someone else’s home – that would simply be insensitive on my part, not to mention awkward for them and me; well, maybe not so much for me after a point in time, but I’d hate to be an inconvenience regardless.

I would definitely hate dying while on a holiday. Two problems with that; firstly, I’d hate wasting all the planning, money and time put in to make a holiday happen by dying in the middle of it, secondly, it would be damn inconsiderate of me to have people haul my remains cross-country and not be able to pay them for it.

One thing I’d definitely not want is to die in a gruesome accident, on the side of a road. I mean that would be positively upsetting – to me. I’d feel really uncomfortable if someone has to put me back like a morbid jig-saw puzzle.

I’d also prefer if there wasn’t a look of bewilderment on my face when I die. On the other hand, I might do it on purpose to keep people guessing as to what surprised me to death. That would be fun.

I think my own house or a comfortable hospital bed would do. I’m not too fussy about that.

Just to tie things up, I’d like to be well-fed before I die. I hate doing just about anything empty stomach, why should dying be an exception!

Finally, I’d want to slip away in my sleep, without much pomp and show. The drama is for the living, the dead simply want to rest.

So there it is, I’d like to die mid-noon, on a normal Sunday, in February, preferably in my own house, well fed and in my sleep.

Ciao.

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